Trying

Today I find myself sitting with my feet up, watching the three older kiddos quietly color while the twins nap.  I'm still in recovery mode and will be for the next four to six weeks so we're laying low. 

Balance is what crosses my mind right now.  Balance of the kiddos needs and wants and my needs and wants versus the dreaded mommy guilt.

Am I doing enough intellectually stimulating activities?  Are they watching too much tv?  Should I be doing flash cards with the twins?  Should we be going to museums and library reading times?  Should I be doing more Pinterest activities with them?  And there it is....the dreaded - and yet much loved - Pinterest.

I love Pinterest as much as the next person, I'm pretty sure I have almost 1000 recipes pinned to my food board,  not that I'll ever cook even a fraction of them - I'm not a very good cook.  I also have boards full of kids stuff like fun, intellectually stimulating (I think I'm overusing that phrase) activities for kids of all ages, crafts, Martha-esque birthday parties, etc.  

 Notice that I have over 3,400 pins.

I love looking at these but I find the more I look them the more guilt I have about not doing these things for my kiddos.  I've never made homemade instruments out of cardboard boxes, we've never done kitchen science experiments, we've never done crazy art projects with paint.  I don't have a meticulous memory binder for each of my four kiddos.  I don't have cute monthly pictures of my twins first year.

I'm the boring mom.  I'm the one who tries to survive the day.  The one who lays in bed at 11pm (finally) rehashing my day.  Did I feed them enough healthy food, did they have too much sugar, did they get enough physical activity, did they have too much electronics time.  These thoughts keep me awake.  I obsess about my kids futures.  Am I stunting them by letting them watch tv?  Is that soda going to lead to diabetes?  Should I get them started in music lessons?  Do they need to do more team sports?  What about the twins?  Do they need mommy and me classes?  Do they even offer such things that I could survive with twin toddlers?  I'm pretty sure I yelled too much today.

Eventually my brain gives up and I get some sleep - uncomfortable sleep lately because of my surgery - and then I wake up and do it all over again.  I stress about fitting in the endless laundry and dishes between the twins naps and trying to survive the day with five kiddos running - and I do mean running - around, and desperately trying to not let the tv run our day.  

I take solace in the fact that I try.  I try to read at least two chapters from a book, Little House on the Prairie right now, while the twins nap.  I try to take them to the library to get books they like for quiet reading time in the afternoons.  I try to take them to the park every once in awhile.  I try to get their imaginations gong by having them color pictures of their idea of a super hero or their own version of a Skylander character.  I try to let them play American Ninja Warrior in the basement running an invisible obstacle course.  I try to get them to drink water all day.  

Some days my trying is successful and other days I am defeated.  We watch movies or tv shows on Netflix, we have fast food as I try to run errands, we drink juice, we have Oreos, we fight and mommy yells too much.  These are the days I'm thankful for just being able to get through the day.  I'm thankful for bedtime and that everyone is alive and healthy.  

Tomorrow is always a new day.  I can try again.  

Until next time!