More Balance

Yesterday I wrote about finding balance for my kids and managing my mommy guilt.  Today I want to address another area of balance in the home which can be challenging: balancing the needs and wants of the family versus the needs and wants of the husband wife relationship.

I still remember that euphoric feeling of those first dates with the hubby.  I would get butterflies in my stomach when I heard the loud rumble of his old white Ford pickup turn down my road.  It didn't matter to me what we did as long as we got to do it together.  Then came the excitement of getting engaged and the stress of planning the wedding.

The best words of advice we ever got was from my grandmother.  She told us that marriage is work, it's not always fun but if you put in the work and the effort it will be successful.  She's such an amazing woman! 

Those first years of marriage were fun and challenging at the same time.  You are figuring how to merge your two lives into one while still keeping your identity.  We waited a good four years into our marriage - much to the chagrin of the inlaws - to try and have our first baby and we were as naive as any first time parent and boy were we in for a surprise!

That time, as most new parents will tell you, was the hardest time we had ever faced in our marriage up to that point.  We were both exhausted and struggling to be new parents we didn't have the energy or time to focus on each other - and that was just with one baby!  This repeated itself after W was born and then double the stress and struggle after the twins were born.  But eventually we always managed to muddle through the sleep deprivation and diapers and seemed to always come out the other side stronger!

These days with four energetic, crazy boys, a full, ever changing work schedule for the hubby, and my daily struggle to survive domestication we do sometimes struggle to find time for each other.  Not to mention the ever present, invasive force of electronics that I am way too guilty of.  

By the end of the day when the kiddos are all in bed, I am exhausted.  This is usually the only time the hubby and I have to ourselves and I either struggle to stay awake or immerse myself in my iPad.  I always feel guilty about pulling the iPad out or picking up a book to read that had been sitting next to my bed for weeks.  I am slowly getting better about the electronic usage.  The iPad is not constantly in my hands these days.  Daily I face the guilt of trying to do something that I want instead of something our relationship needs...time together. 

It's so hard sometimes to balance all these roles.  I'm a mother, a homemaker, a wife, a daughter, a sister, a friend....and the list seems to go on and on.  And as a typical woman the guilt of not enough energy put into one area causes me to neglect others, especially myself.  I know I need to put time into things that I enjoy, but after the kids, the hubby, the house...there's not much time left and I usually opt for sleep over time for myself - partly why I started this blog, making time for me!

But as I always say: I'm a work in progress.  The hubby and I will run errands without kids, we try to make date nights happen - as often as is feasible, I try to get him to take kid-free walks with me, we've taken a couple kid-free vacations and he's gotten me hooked into playing Madden 25 seasons with him - he's the Chiefs and I'm the Giants of course!  (Go Big Blue!!)  Let me tell you, playing a Madden game with toddler twins climbing all over me, a four year old yelling at me that he's starving, and an eight year old wandering back and forth in front of the tv is not an easy feat!  That should be an Olympic sport!  

I've heard from other parents that is does get easier as the kiddos get older to put more time into your marriage, and I think we're slowly getting there.  There is no one else I want to grow old, turn gray and hopefully beat at the Madden Super Bowl some day than my hubby!  

Until next time!

Trying

Today I find myself sitting with my feet up, watching the three older kiddos quietly color while the twins nap.  I'm still in recovery mode and will be for the next four to six weeks so we're laying low. 

Balance is what crosses my mind right now.  Balance of the kiddos needs and wants and my needs and wants versus the dreaded mommy guilt.

Am I doing enough intellectually stimulating activities?  Are they watching too much tv?  Should I be doing flash cards with the twins?  Should we be going to museums and library reading times?  Should I be doing more Pinterest activities with them?  And there it is....the dreaded - and yet much loved - Pinterest.

I love Pinterest as much as the next person, I'm pretty sure I have almost 1000 recipes pinned to my food board,  not that I'll ever cook even a fraction of them - I'm not a very good cook.  I also have boards full of kids stuff like fun, intellectually stimulating (I think I'm overusing that phrase) activities for kids of all ages, crafts, Martha-esque birthday parties, etc.  

 Notice that I have over 3,400 pins.

I love looking at these but I find the more I look them the more guilt I have about not doing these things for my kiddos.  I've never made homemade instruments out of cardboard boxes, we've never done kitchen science experiments, we've never done crazy art projects with paint.  I don't have a meticulous memory binder for each of my four kiddos.  I don't have cute monthly pictures of my twins first year.

I'm the boring mom.  I'm the one who tries to survive the day.  The one who lays in bed at 11pm (finally) rehashing my day.  Did I feed them enough healthy food, did they have too much sugar, did they get enough physical activity, did they have too much electronics time.  These thoughts keep me awake.  I obsess about my kids futures.  Am I stunting them by letting them watch tv?  Is that soda going to lead to diabetes?  Should I get them started in music lessons?  Do they need to do more team sports?  What about the twins?  Do they need mommy and me classes?  Do they even offer such things that I could survive with twin toddlers?  I'm pretty sure I yelled too much today.

Eventually my brain gives up and I get some sleep - uncomfortable sleep lately because of my surgery - and then I wake up and do it all over again.  I stress about fitting in the endless laundry and dishes between the twins naps and trying to survive the day with five kiddos running - and I do mean running - around, and desperately trying to not let the tv run our day.  

I take solace in the fact that I try.  I try to read at least two chapters from a book, Little House on the Prairie right now, while the twins nap.  I try to take them to the library to get books they like for quiet reading time in the afternoons.  I try to take them to the park every once in awhile.  I try to get their imaginations gong by having them color pictures of their idea of a super hero or their own version of a Skylander character.  I try to let them play American Ninja Warrior in the basement running an invisible obstacle course.  I try to get them to drink water all day.  

Some days my trying is successful and other days I am defeated.  We watch movies or tv shows on Netflix, we have fast food as I try to run errands, we drink juice, we have Oreos, we fight and mommy yells too much.  These are the days I'm thankful for just being able to get through the day.  I'm thankful for bedtime and that everyone is alive and healthy.  

Tomorrow is always a new day.  I can try again.  

Until next time!

What, no children?!?

As I'm still recovering, I find myself laying on the couch, with a pillow under my knees, watching The Today Show.  That, and listening to a couple of seven year olds irritate each other.  Happy Wednesday.

On The Today Show this morning they had a report about Cameron Diaz not wanting to be a mommy and they reported that it has reignited the mommy wars.  First of all I don't think the mommy wars ever go away and secondly I think they have a wrong definition of mommy wars.  I have always thought of the mommy wars as conflict and judgement between mothers about working and staying home, and breastfeeding and bottle feeding.  But that's for another day.

Why is it that in our seemingly advanced society women are still judged for not wanting children?  I personally think it's a brave decision that women should not be attacked for.  Wouldn't you think it would be better for women who don't want kids to not have them rather than be pressured into having ones they don't want?  I personally know some wonderful, smart women who have made the choice to not have children.  It's a personal decision and why do we need to know the reasoning?  It's none of our business!  

I know many larger families, including ours, who get the other end of the judgement.  We're overpopulating, not responsible, etc.  People are just nosy!  

It all comes down to the fact that you cannot make everyone happy and nor should you try.  You need to do what makes you happy in your life!  If it's no kids, one child, four kiddos or more!  Walk your own path; you only owe an explanation to yourself!   

I'll get of my soapbox now, and continue with my healing.  

Until next time!

Home

Well, I finally made it home yesterday.  

If you haven't read my last post and are unaware: I had some pretty involved surgery that was supposed to have a one night hospital stay afterward.  

Not my bed but looks just about as comfortable.

That one night stay turned into a six day ordeal.  The first night I thought to myself how nice and quiet it would be and I should try to relax and enjoy it a little through the pain and that night wasn't too bad, I'm pretty sure due to nurses staying on top of pain meds.

The doctors decided to keep me a second night because I had lost some blood during and after the surgery and they wanted to be on the cautious side.  After the second night I was done.  I was already uncomfortable and ready to go home.  I spiked a fever on the third day, they thought I might have internal bleeding, and they couldn't seem to get my pain under control.  Most of that third day was spent trying to figure out where the fever was coming from, testing to try and find a possible source of internal bleeding, and desperately trying to get the right combo of meds to get the pain back under control.   I was miserable.  I can't remember a worse day in my recent memory.  By the end of day three they somehow managed to reign in my pain and they put me on a barrage of intravenous antibiotics to address the fever. 

The morning of day four I woke up nauseated and with a nasty headache.  After a couple hours of more drugs to treat these new symptoms, a hospitalist came in and thought that this might be caused by all the antibiotics running through my body.  After those were discontinued I felt so much better!  The rest of day four actually seemed pretty good to me, pain was under control and things were going smoothly.  Other than the fact that I was bored out of my mind with cable tv, the internet and the bed is probably one of the most uncomfortable ones I've ever encountered.  Other than that, a pretty good day.  

I woke up on day five feeling a lot better than I had in quite awhile.  I was up moving around, eating, using the restroom (sorry if TMI), and I thought this could be the day I escape!  

Pardon the hospital chic.

But every nurse I encountered made it sound like I had at least one more night booked on my lovely hospital getaway.  WHAT? Why?  Nobody seemed to be able to answer this question for me.  It doesn't seem like that difficult of a question.  Why am I still here and when can I go home?  It took the hubby calling and being perhaps a little difficult to get the answer.  Apparently on the evening of day four I had another fever.  My doctor had put in his notes that I could not be released from hospital hell (my words, not his) until I had been fever free for 24 hours.  Now this does make sense to me, but I still can't understand why they didn't tell me I had a fever and the doctors orders regarding said fever.  I kinda thought I was in the need to know category.   

We had to call an audible on the home front as all of this was unfolding as well.  The hubby had a work trip that he left for on the morning of day five that he could not get out of.  It wasn't supposed to be that big of a deal since I was supposed to have been cut loose already!  So the three little ones, W and the twins, had gone to Frenchtown to stay with my inlaws and Ben and Hillary had D and F at home and Hillary was on call for my release!

So after I had resigned myself to another nights stay on the butt-numbing bed watching mind-numbing television I texted the hubby with some tears in my eyes and tried to get some rest.  I didn't care what they told me the morning of day six, I was blowing that popsicle stand.  I was DONE.

After yet another restless night I awoke with the hope of going home on day six.  Doctor came to see me and said that it looked like I could go home later that day!  Unfortunately, they way things go I wasn't able to get out of there until almost 4:00 pm!  Let me tell you, that was a long drawn out day of impatiently waiting for he nurses to come discharge me!  When they finally came in I was ready, dressed bags packed and just needing my iv out!  

Six days of an iv is not pleasant.  Mine was in the side of my wrist and it was quite painful.  Between the pain of the actual iv site and the fact that a layer of my skin peeled off when they took the tape off I wasn't happy.  Then to top it off my wrist was swollen, red and very, very sore.  

This is already way better than it was.

A huge saving grace for me were my amazing friends and family who brought me coffee and food to save me from eating hospital food.  Jenny, Andrea and Hillary brought coffee, Crystal and Melissa brought yummy treats and food and my dad and Pam sent an amazing gift basket full of goodies.  It was amazing and I love you all!

But, in the end I'm home.  I spent an amazingly comfortable night in my own bed, in my own clothing and took a shower in my own shower- well Ben and Hillary's shower.  Only downside was that I slept so well that I slept through when my pain meds were due so I was hurting pretty bad this morning.  I think I'll set an alarm tonight.

It's all uphill from here right?  I think I'll take a nap.

Until next time!

Why not

I thought I'd drop you all a little note letting you know what's been going on.  

On Wednesday I had surgery to fix some of the female issues you can get after having babies and especially twins.  It was supposed to be an overnight stay and then on to recouperate at home.  Things did not start off as anticipated.  I apparently lost quite a bit of blood during the surgery and them bled more than expected in recovery.  Thursday was painful and I was still having more than normal bleeding so they booked me another night.  

Friday was even worse, I spiked a fever, and they couldn't figure out where it was coming from, was nauseous and the pain was worse.  Had a CT scan of my abdomen and pelvis and a chest X-ray and everything came back good.  So because of the fever I have been on iv antibiotics and will have to be on them through today at least.  I also have to be on oral antibiotics for 24 hours before I can go home.  If you're keeping track that is at least Monday.  

So my simple surgery and recovery had definitely not gone as planned.  

Thank you to all my family and friends who have stepped up to the plate to help us put during this frustrating time.  Especially to Ben and Hillary for helping out and watching some kids, and Jenny and Andrea for the coffee and moral support, and Crystal and Melissa for wanting to feed me real food and treats, and Jacquelyn for taking time to come keep me company!  You are all amazing and I love you!!

Once I'm feeling better I'll try to get back into some regularly schedule posts.

Until next time.

Introversion

I have a strange personality.

I'm shy; I used to be painfully so and people thought I was just bitchy and stuck up.  I'm a classic introvert.  A perfect day to me would be being able to sit quietly, alone, reading books or watching a movie I love.

Introverts out there can purchase this awesome shirt by clicking on the following link:

http://skreened.com/iloveyourshirt/introverts-unite-individually

I was even treated for several years when I was younger for social anxiety disorder.  I would make myself sick before social events and avoid them completely.  I'm much more comfortable these days in social situations but if I don't know you I'm still very quiet.  Once I get to know you though I will talk your ear off and let you see the nerdy, quirky real side of me.  And once we are friends I am typically a very loyal friend and I will see you through to the end!

Self esteem has also been a lifelong struggle of mine.  I've always felt too fat, not pretty enough and just plain not good enough for a lot of things.  It's taken me years but I have finally gotten to the point where I am not really concerned with what other people think of me.  I am happy in my own skin and that in turn makes my other relationships happier!

The hubby travels a lot.  When he's gone it's usually the four boys and I fending for ourselves.  But the longer he's gone and the longer it's just the boys and I, I tend to retreat into myself.  We don't go anywhere, we have days where we don't get out of pajamas, and I slowly text or call my friends less and less.  It's a vicious cycle, and while I'm in that cycle I hate it.  It's miserable and lonely and I want to talk to people but then find excuses to not do it.  It's hard to drag myself out of this cycle, and it typically takes some time after the hubby returns to come out of it.  I love spending time with my friends but it's so hard with all the boys that if he hubby's not around I just don't do it and that's what would be the best medicine for me.  Once I'm out doing stuff (most of the time) we all have fun and enjoy it, but it's the getting me there that can sometimes be a problem.

I really have to appreciate and thank my friends who stick with me, and put up with my withdrawal during these cycles!  I have some amazing friends that it seems like we can go days or even weeks of not talking and then we fall right back into where we were.  But friendship is work just like a marriage, and I need to make myself put in my share of the "work."  I need to force myself to make the calls and texts, and try to suggest plans for outings or play dates.  I'm doing better, but there are some that need a little extra effort to keep in touch right now and I'm trying!

I'm a work in progress....but aren't we all!

Until next time!

Random Thoughts for Today

Happy Wednesday everyone!

I'm sitting here enjoying my second cup of coffee, twins are napping, laundry is drying and kiddos are watching a movie.  I don't want to bring the universe's attention to it, but it is a relaxing moment amidst the chaos!

Lately I find myself laying awake at night and in the early morning hours composing blog posts in my brain. I tend to lose them though as my brain tends to go about a millions miles a minute, and a have a debilitating condition commonly known as "Mommy Brain."  It's real.  I try to write down any ideas that drift across my thoughts when I can in my notebook, but I can't always get to it.  So today is a random sit down and type post!

I have so many things I want to write about that I find it hard to focus sometimes.  My birthday is coming up and I find myself feeling lost and reflective.  I'm immersed in motherhood and the day to day struggles that accompany that.  I think I've talked about this before but it's something I find myself thinking about a lot.  I am a mother but that is not my whole identity.  Factoid:  I actually was a real functioning human before I became a mother.

I feel like I've lived almost half a lifetime and have not accomplished much of anything.  I love being a mother and I love my boys more than anything but I sometimes feel unfulfilled.  Changing diapers, doing laundry, cleaning and playing referee between fighting boys is not exactly intellectually stimulating.  

I've always been the kind of person who was good at many different things but not amazing at one single thing.  What I want more than anything right now is to find what I'm meant to do.  Something I love, enjoy and am passionate about.  I've worked in a lab, I've worked as an X-ray tech in hospitals and clinics.  None of these have been bad and I'm a pretty good X-ray tech if I do say so myself but I have so many things I want to do!

My amazing friend Melissa from The Crazy Celiac just launched her own small business called Pippin's Gluten Free Pastries!  I am so proud of her!  She's found her passion and she acted on it!  I am a little jealous as well though - which is ok to admit!  

https://www.facebook.com/pages/Pippins-Gluten-Free-Pastries/335463473274402

I have several ideas for small businesses running through my head but have no idea how to even begin to attempt such things, especially while having four boys under the age of eight.  I would love to form some kind of business, perhaps with other mommy friends, and be able to mesh the raising of kids with a successful small business.  I'm sure these are all pipe dreams; I have no business background, no capital and no ability to write a business plan.  But I can dream, right?  

So I'll continue to change diapers, make meals and wash clothes, but as I fall asleep I'll imagine a world where all my ideas come to fruition.  That and one where all the boys behave, don't fight and clean up their own messes.  That one would be awesome too.